Glimmers (of pleasure)
“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” – Juliet
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
When I started transitioning from sex education to a wholistic, embodied pleasure coaching approach, the concept of glimmers started showing up everywhere. If you happen to have a similar social media algorithm feeding you content about mental health hacks and trauma-informed self-care practices, you too have likely come across the memeification of the term. It occurred to me that things show up on repeat for a reason. Glimmers are, after all, an accessible and increasingly familiar way to talk about day-to-day pleasures. Glimmers give us a sweet entry point into the discussion without having to fully unpack our relationship to the concept of “pleasure” straight out of the gate. Despite the efforts of many to distinguish pleasure from sexual pleasure, the word has gained a sexual connotation. Can pleasure be sexual in nature? Of course. Can it take many other forms as well? Abso-fucking-lutely. For those of you who still bristle at the word or view is as purely sexual or who feel like pleasure is a far-off lofty thing that must be nice for other people, but unattainable for you, glimmers are your way in.
A glimmer Is a small moment, or micro-instance of joy, calm, connection or even safety. Glimmers are often presented as the opposite of a trigger. If thinking of them this way helps you to notice them – great. Glimmers are everyday experiences that bring a smile to your face, or instantly elevate your mood without much effort. A glimmer is an uncomplicated pleasure. A glimmer could be a happy dog running up to you to say hi (or your cat’s purr if cats are the furry friends you prefer to hang around), hearing your favorite song unexpectedly, the sound of a loved one’s laughter, the taste of a ripe sweet strawberry (or your fruit of choice). Glimmers are those little rays of literal and figurative sunshine that can snap you out of your head, or your bad mood, and bring you into a momentary state of contentment and presence. Glimmers are reminders of the good around us. They can be soothing, boost our mental health, and even cue our nervous system that we are safe.
Noticing the glimmers in your day can help to you to build up your receptivity to more joyful, pleasurable experiences. Not receiving joy from the glimmers that show up is also good information to have. It can help you to notice when you are in survival mode, or experiencing a mental health crisis, or need support. Glimmers, or pleasure conductors as I have called them for many moons before algorithms started filling my feed with mental health terminology, can be the gateway to creating more joy in your life.
First step in this journey is to notice the glimmers that show up in your day. That’s it. Just notice them. I never said that reorienting towards pleasure had to be hard, by the way. In fact, some of the simplest practices are the most effective because they do not require you to overhaul your life to invite them in. If you are still not sure what a glimmer is, or how you would notice one if it did decide to grace your doorstep let me give you some examples from a workshop series I co-facilitate with brilliant educator and author, Anne Hodder-Shipp, called Pleasure Attitudes. In the first week of our 4-week course, Anne and I have participants define what “pleasure” means to them personally. After discussion and opportunities to share what positive and negative messages each participant has around pleasure, and who everyone’s pleasure role models were in their formative years, we present the group with this question. What are things that no matter what is going on in your day bring an instant smile to your face? Close your eyes right now and think about anything that lights you up without effort and without fail. Here is a list from a past group:
Crunching on ice, a clean sink, first sip of coffee, eating a juicy grape, turning on the diffuser, hearing my favorite song, listening to a song really loud, hearing my jam from high school, spying on my cat, cat beans on me, discovering a new leaf on a plant, sound of my heels on wood or cement floors, a butterfly flying in front of me, plucking an eyebrow hair (or any errant hair), moisturizing my whole body after a shower even between my toes, getting into clean sheets, putting my fuzzy socks on at the end of the day, the sound of my child laughing, delirious laughter that won’t stop, sticking my hand out the window of a moving car and feeling the air on my fingers, the feel of cold ocean water lapping on my feet on a hot day, peanuts in coca cola, getting my hair washed at the salon, putting my grandmother’s earrings on, picking berries off the vine and popping them in my mouth, stepping up to the top of the trail and catching the view for the first time
I sure hope something on this list made you smile. Now, close your eyes and think about your unique glimmers.
Over the next few days, notice (and I mean really notice) when these moments of joy show up. Take an extra couple of seconds, or go all out and take a full minute, to savor any glimmer that visits you. Simply be intentional about the noticing. You can create a stance of receptivity and trust that more pleasure is going to show up for you by savoring it when it does.
If you want to go deeper, I encourage you to sit with the word “pleasure”. You can come back to these questions anytime something rubs up against old stories you have about deserving pleasure.
When you hear the word, “pleasure” what comes to mind?
Is this definition yours? Have you developed this relationship with pleasure through your own experiences or are you carrying someone else’s definition around with you?
In what ways does this definition of pleasure serve you? In what ways does this definition of pleasure hold you back?
If you got to rewrite the definition of pleasure for yourself, now, how would you define it?
Sit with this new definition of pleasure and let it sink it. How does it feel? This is the definition of pleasure I want you take with you. This is your north star as you embark on your pleasure journey.