Giving the “Talk”

There is an increasingly alarmist attitude towards sex education, gender diversity and sexual freedom that is hogging the mic these days.  Despite studies that show that parents overwhelmingly want their kids to have access to medically accurate, age-appropriate sex education, policy makers continue to turn to fear mongering when it comes to sex ed.  This leaves the responsibility of providing kids with the tools to make informed decisions about their body and relationships to parents, who largely feel ill-equipped to handle these conversations at home.  

The good news is that our kids experience the world through us and learn a great deal from our modeling. 

It can be very impactful for your child to witness you practicing loving boundaries, talking kindly about yourself, adopting a shame-free attitude toward sexuality, accepting your child’s “no,” and openly receiving your child’s questions about their body, sexuality and identity.

You modeling a neutral attitude towards sexuality and sexuality-adjacent topics supports your child to develop the confidence, curiosity, and mutual respect for others needed to navigate their own sexual development. This article has come out of countless requests I have received from parents about age-appropriate sex education and how to have “the talk” with their kids.  Spoiler alert, the sex talk is not a single conversation about sex.  It is an evolving dialogue with your child about who they are, their boundaries, their relationships with friends and family, their changing body and, eventually, about their questions relating to sexuality.

Why Sex Ed?

I have a feeling I am preaching the choir, especially considering over 80% of people in the country support sex education!  In the off chance that you clicked on this article by accident, here is my elevator pitch for why sex ed matters… Sex education helps young people make informed decisions, love themselves, have healthy relationships (platonic and romantic) and have respect for everyone, including people who are different from them.  Sex education reduces sexual violence, child abuse, homophobia and bullying, improves communication, boundary setting, and media literacy and supports social emotional learning.  You can nerd out on a peer reviewed study that proves it for a lengthier explanation of the benefits of sex ed!  All of this is to say, yes, we need sex education in schools.  You can learn more about how to support these efforts in your community at SIECUS – Sex Ed for Social Change. Unfortunately, we do not all have access to medically-accurate sex education in our schools.

What is age-appropriate sex education?

Understanding what experts mean when they say “age-appropriate sex education” can be a guidepost for the kinds of conversations that are helpful for parents to be having with your kids at home.  Here is a breakdown of what experts have identified as the core focus of sex education for each age group.

Elementary School

·        Consent and setting boundaries with friends and family.  Examples include, asking before taking or how to say “no” if someone wants to give you a hug.

·        What body parts do and what they are called.

·        Acknowledging all kinds of families, including single parents, extended families raising kids, adoption, LGBTQ+ families, and families with a mom and a dad.

·        Understanding your own gender identity.  How to be yourself and not feel pressured to act a certain way because of your gender.

·        General information about the ways people can become parents.

As a real life example, if your elementary school child is asking questions like “why can only boys play football?” You can get curious with them about this cultural norm by asking something along the lines of, “Many of the people who play football are boys.  Do you think that means that girls don’t like to play football or can’t play football?” Helping your elementary school kid/s understand that their gender does not have to define their interests, you are offering your child age-appropriate sex education – congratulations!!

Middle School

-         Consent with friends and families.  Exploring ways to set personal boundaries and respecting other people’s boundaries.

-         How to recognize peer pressure and how to handle it. 

-         How to recognize bullying and how to intervene.

-         Understanding puberty and the reproductive system (internal and external).

-         Acknowledging, including, and respecting people of all genders, sexual orientations, races, ethnicities, abilities, and bodies.

-         Sexual orientation = attraction to males, females, both or other genders.

-         Gender identity = an internal feeling of being male, female, neither or another gender.

-         Gender expression = the ways that you express your internal feeling of gender, how you dress, speak, behave, etc.

-         Learning to love and care for your body.

-         How to stay safe online.

-         Practicing steps for making informed decisions, weighing pros and cons and thinking of possible outcomes.

-         How pregnancy happens and how it can be prevented.  What STIs are and how they can be prevented.

By middle school, kids are starting to experience changes in their body and their interests are shifting as well.  This is the time that we as parents can affirm their experience, help them to navigate the changing landscape of childhood and start peppering in some more specific information about sex.  A simple way to weave these conversations into homelife is by addressing these topics when they come up naturally in conversation, or when your child brings questions to you.  Media is also a great tool for starting conversations.  There are so many positive and negative media representations of diverse identities, different types of relationships (romantic and platonic) and relationship dynamics, and different expressions of sexuality that can serve as an invitation to hit pause, both literally and figuratively, and have a family discussion. 

High School (and beyond)

-         Consent in a sexual and dating context.

-         Standing up for yourself and others.

-         Healthy relationships and how to identify and prevent dating violence.

-         Understanding how society, culture, families and institutions shape our ideas about sex, gender and race.

-         Forming your own thoughts and opinions about what you see in the media and online.

-         How to make informed decisions about sex based on your own values.

-         Ways to prevent STIs.

-         Birth control.  Where and how to access reproductive healthcare.

As your kids go through puberty and enter their teens, sex education topics eventually include the subject of sex directly.  The foundational information kids receive about knowing their worth, loving their body, and respecting other people brings so much more meaning to the conversations about sex. It can feel intimidating to dive into the topic of safer sex, intimate relationships, and emotional safety with your teens.  If you have created a dynamic where your kids have not been shamed for their questions, where their personal space and boundaries have been respected, and where you have demonstrated openness to how they express themselves, chances are they will be receptive to receiving information from you about sex.  

I hope after reading these sex ed guidelines, you are giving yourself a pat on the back for some of the sex education that you have already done without even knowing it.    

Sex Ed Activities for Kids (or the Kids that Live in Us)

These exercises have been compiled from trainings I’ve taken or led over the years. (Sources are cited.)

YES vs NO (for young kids)

Adapted from Pam Samuelson’s Beyond the Birds and the Bees Parenting Course

Set some focused play time aside with your kid/s to ask them silly questions.  The ones below are suggestions, but please, go wild and make up your own!

-         Would you like to float on a cloud?

-         Would you like a poop sandwich?

-         If you could fly, would you?

-         Can I kick you in the shins?

-         Can I tickle your toes?

-         If you could eat ice cream every day, would you?

-         What if I made you shovel all the snow?

Occasionally, ask them a follow up question.  “How do you know it’s a ‘yes’? What does it feel like in your body?”  or “When you think about it, do you notice any feelings in your body?” 

If your kid shares helpful information like “when I think about it, it makes my stomach hurt” or “I feel like there are pop rocks in my stomach and I like it” you can integrate this information when they struggle to make a choice at a later time.

THE GENDER GALAXY (for kids of all ages)

Adapted from Kai Chen Thom’s Gender Diversity Training as part of the Embodied Coaching Certification Program hosted by Embody Lab.

Once upon a time, there was a spaceship. This spaceship was told there are only two planets in the entire universe. This spaceship was ordered to stay on the ground where it was born. This spaceship knows there is another planet in the galaxy.  The spaceship also knows there are other parts of its own planet that it has never seen.  But the spaceship is told those are bad parts. The spaceship must stay on the ground forever.

We know that spaceships are meant to fly. Even if just to take off the ground and soar through the orbit of the planet where they were born, and come back.  Spaceships want to explore. This spaceship eventually gets curious about the many different ecosystems on its planet and wants to see them.  But for some reason, this spaceship is not allowed to explore.

One day, the little spaceship cannot take it anymore. It takes off and flies as fast as it can, zooms through the sky and eventually makes it to the second planet. Life is exciting on this other planet. There are other ecosystems, oceans and all of these other kinds of games and activities too.

Now, this spaceship starts to wonder what the big deal was all along.  Why, when there are so many fun things to explore on both planets, would it have to stay put in one place? 

This is how a lot of people experience of gender. We are told that because we were born as one gender that we are meant to explore a prescribed set of interests and path.  Like, the spaceship’s galaxy, the gender galaxy includes other planets we may want to explore.  There are also moons, stars, and a lot of space in between the planets as well.

Some spaceships are happy to stay on their planet and explore the place where they were born.  For some spaceships, the other second planet is where they want to hang out.  Yet others are curious about the entire galaxy. The final destination or getting to the right planet is not the goal for these spaceships.  They are just excited about the journey.

Possible Reflection Questions:

What do you think about the spaceship being told not to explore other areas?

If you were in the spaceship’s shoes would you want to stay on the ground, visit the other planet or do you think you’d want to explore what else is out there in the Universe?

LIFESPAN ACTIVITY FOR TEENS

Adapted from Peggy Brick’s Lifespan Sex Education Training at AASECT Conference.

The assignment is to interview an elder about their sexuality.  It could be a grandparent, older family member or trusted family friend. 

Questions:

·        What are three major messages you received from your parents or caregivers about sex?

·        What are memories you have about your sexuality from your teen years?

·        What people (aside from your parents) had the most influence on your thinking or feeling about sex and sexuality?

·        What are three changes you have experienced regarding your sexuality in your adult life?

Talking with someone older, who is not a parent, about their sexual beliefs and experiences can help to demystify sex and sexuality for a young adult.  Not everyone has someone in their life that they can have this kind of frank conversation with.  If that is the case, this exercise can also be done by imagining what the answers to these questions would be if asked of a grandparent.  A parent and teen child can do this together and discuss the questions as well as the teen’s perceptions about how the views of sexuality have changed over the years.

ACTIVITY FOR PARENTS

Take out a journal and consider the following questions from two angles - What were you told? What were you shown?

-         How were the concepts of self-care and pleasure treated in your family?

-         What messages about sex and bodies did you receive when you were young?

-         Who were your pleasure models growing up (good or bad)?

-         How were your boundaries treated as a young person?

-         What is true for you today about sex?

When you think about these questions, what comes up in your body? Do you feel tight? Does it bring a smile to your face? Do you feel neutral?

We teach our kids through showing much more than we do through telling. Their relationship to everything in the world - their bodies, gender, sexuality - starts getting shaped by how the adults around them react.  The stance that shows up when you ponder these questions is the foundation of how you approach and respond to these topics with your kids.  There is absolutely nothing wrong if you have discomfort with these topics. Many people do and are incredible, supportive parents.  However, understanding the roots of your relationship to sex, sexuality, pleasure, bodies, boundaries, and body autonomy helps you to show up for and be intentional about the ways you shape your child’s relationship to these concepts.

Additional Resources

Parenting support for talking with kids of all ages about sex: sexpositivefamilies.com

Youth-oriented, digital sex ed resources for older kids: www.scarleteen.com

1:1 parenting support, and coaching: you can reach out to me! or www.givingthetalk.com

To get involved in sex education advocacy: siecus.org